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It is all within me, or so I would believe. Everything, all within me, and it has always been. Always. . .

"The grain of oat," a man named Zarathustra said, "contains everything it needs to grow and expand, within itself."

Jesus Christ hinted at this as well in saying, "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed which a man took and planted in his field, which indeed is the least of all the seeds, but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in it's branches." In it's branches, could this be a form of "Within"?

Of all the many things that have entered into mine ears throughout my life, this is the one thing that hits me the hardest. I have heard this same thing from many other sources as well, though I couldn't quote every one. But, I remember well enough. I hold in memory best that which was said by Jesus Christ and Zarathustra.

Everything I need is within me, within my heart, my soul, my spirit, and where ever else "I" am. I see no reason why I would be struggling through life when I have taken this to heart, but I am. This isn't saying that I am deterred from my dreams, or even that I believe my dreams will be harder to reach than the average persons. I simply would like to be more steady "within", and let myself grow naturally like the grain of oat, or the mustard seed.

Maybe, it could have to do with how much I let myself grow naturally, I must admit I do not really know what 'natural' might genuinely be. I will, and have been keeping an open mind to it, so I suppose I will understand soon enough.

Considering this is a subject I am not really sure of myself with, I do not wish to go any further in discussing it with myself.

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The Search?

Search ye, dear one! 'Till the ends of all the earth and time and space. Look hard for the solemn things you seek. The ancient wisdoms, the mystic secrets, the unknown.

Explore well! Search far and far and farther still 'till death brings all to naught. For somewhere, somewhere there is the thing you seek. Someplace upon this Earth, or within time, in some lost and lonesome realm of dark.

Seek ye. . . Seek endlessly, forever the piece that misses from thine life. seek endlessly, forever the loss for which you have no name.

It is there! The nameless foreign object of thine passions forlorn dream. It is there. . . in some forgotten place you're sure you'll never find. Far off within some mystic castle floating in the sky. Far off, alone, forgotten in some domain lost to human kind.

Alas! For the thing you seek is only love and life, though your sure it's distant treasures on another world afar. 'Tis simply love, love of thine self and every other soul, though your sure it's to build an empire or fortune and of fame. 'Tis just the feel of the "life" that courses through thy form, though you're sure it's some lone custom in a culture lost to man. . .

So seek! And seek ye until thine drear and lonely death. For the lost, abandoned 'something' somewhere in this universe.

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That Which I Am

Truly, I don't know. There are times I have felt that I have lived a thousand long years, other times I feel I was born only yesterday. I have only a slight concept as to who, or what I am, but I have discovered one truth about myself.

I am, that which I am. Nothing more, nothing less. This is what I "it" have "has" always been, it is what I "it" will always be.

Many have given detail to me on there beliefs about what we are, what "I" am. Without mentioning the fact that there isn't any person, as far as I am concerned, who can tell me who I am simply due to the fact that another person does not know what I feel at the time I feel it, or know at the time I know it. Who doesn't have any idea (if that!) what is going though my head on a regular basis, though I may express a fraction of it at any given moment. Aside from all that, I have discovered that a lot of people base there perception of who they are on what will be accepted by others as opposed to what they feel inside, so in this striving to be accepted there is a shoving away of the things that one may really feel or intuitively know.

Understanding that this chaos is what controls a persons perception of there "self" on the average, and understanding that through the need to be accepted by a crowd one will tend to superimpose (project) his own perception and reality of "self",or "the I" on a person, or even a group of people who doesn't fall under the category of their social crowd. In short, I find myself having a hard time trusting another person's view of who I am.

But, who am I as far as my own limited perceptions perceive?

Well, through the fairly short journey of my life and the hardships there in, I have discovered that I am definitely not what others say I am. In fact, I am not even what I say I am. The example to this would be saying "I am hungry", or "I am sad". Wouldn't it be great! I would know my whole purpose in life just in saying it if it were true, but then I try to picture my whole purpose in existing being just to be sad, or to eat all the time. I'll tell you what... BORING!

Now, if I may so irritate myself with the imposing question of the moment...

What is my purpose in life?!?!!

Well, as far as I am concerned, after sifting though many imposed points of view, I have come to the conclusion that my purpose in life is whatever I choose it to be, whether it is positive, or negative. My purpose in life is something that truly motivates me and allows a sense of harmony with life to flow through me, even through hardship and pain. In my eyes, harmony is not extreme, not when things are going well and not when things are hard. Harmony just is, it has no conditions.

My purpose in this life time is to try to allow my own dreams to make themselves known, and to let the presence of that which I am to come through consciously and unconfused.

To be in harmony.

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Awareness Of Choice

Well, after years in emotional and spiritual slavery, I have finally discovered that I have the right and ability to make my own choices, Whatever they may be.

When I say "Emotional and Spiritual Slavery" I am meaning that I have never trusted, or had faith in my own intuition, or understandings. I never made a choice based on what I know and felt within, instead giving this power to those around me and believing I really had no ability to make even a simple choice for myself. Thus, I was an emotional and spiritual slave to others whom I, for some reason, believed had mastership over my soul with the right to decide what philosophy I would follow and what my purpose in life would be because they were greater than I, or had more knowledge than I.

The people that I gave power over me were always people who discarded and blew off anything I really intuitively felt, or knew within. And brushing it aside, imposing there own beliefs and ideas on me as being "better" then what I "knew" instinctively. That what I felt was not the truth, and what they found as the path that worked for them was the truth that should work for everybody. In essence, I gave the power of my own personal choice over to others who really didn't have any idea what it was that would be my path to discovering what it was that I would want to find.

Yes, very frustrating, very painful. But, now I discover my own destiny, or at least a piece of it. And in my destiny, in the future of my life, I am to be all that I want to be.

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© 1992 EAT